An extremely cold case and some problematic pets
Also, I might actually have a book out soon
There are ructions in the Lee-Milway household because Alex keeps stealing the things I was planning on writing about for his own Substack. And, because he can bash out a newsletter while also listening to me prattle on behind him about how much slower he is at typing, but also how much more accurate he is, and that probably his method is better (while also being a perfect metaphor for how each of our brains operate), he keeps getting to the best stories first.
This is not helped by the fact that I have been resisting the bright lights of Substack in favour of just getting these bloody books finished, which means it all feels a bit like old news now anyway. I am a martyr to my corrections, currently. More on that later.
We’ve been to Button House
If you want to know about our visit to West Horsley Place aka Button House from Ghosts, you can go here and enjoy the photos of Alex being Lady Button.
And if you want to hear about how we’ve had a lovely German trainee teacher living with us (who sat and watched the whole of Ghosts with us with utter delight and is excited to hear there will be a German Ghosts soon), and how having her here made us realise just how much the UK is still obsessed with WWII and it’s probably not healthy1, you can go here.
But wait!
Alex didn’t, however, tell you that we stopped at what is now my number one favourite National Trust house on the way home from Button House. Polsden Lacey has everything: amazing decor, a properly beautiful art collection, a Fabergé egg and a great origin story. It belonged to the illegitimate daughter of a brewery magnate and soon became the best party house in Edwardian England. The owner, Margaret Greville, originally planned to leave the place to her mate Bertie before he went off and became King George.
Finding a pet cemetery as soon as we arrived felt very fitting. I’m sure Lady Button would have approved (although I regret to inform you that Lady Button’s own pet cemetery turned out to be just a bit of grass).
I especially enjoyed some of the pet names, including my favourite, Ian. There was also Rip, which we assumed meant RIP and felt aggrieved at the change of headstone format, but which google just explained was his actual name.
Most importantly, I was glad to see Margaret Greville subscribed to my nana’s habit of giving your Pekingese dogs (pseudo?) Chinese names (eg Cho, on the front right of this image).
And now let me tell you about my awful grandmother
Trigger warning: story contains suicidal dogs and racist pets
My mean old nana, Eileen, aka Boo Boo Nana2, was a tiny brown woman with a posh Anglo-Indian3 accent and ample prejudices against her own kind. She loved only a handful of things in life, namely: her whitest son (ie not my dad) and her dogs.
The head dog was Yorkie the imaginatively named Yorkshire Terrier, who outlived all other pets. Meanwhile, the Pekingese luxuriated in names like You You, and Yum Yum and Ninky Poo.4 My memory is that there was a regularly rotating roster of these hairy walking grievances because they kept killing themselves. One – let’s say it was Yum Yum – bit through the TV cable and died by electrocution. I can’t remember how the others perished, however, and since I have the best memory in my family, there’s no point appealing to my siblings for further intel. Maybe they just lost the will to live with a woman who was so deeply awful (but also like an excellent villain if only she hadn’t been anyone’s caregiver, which was unfortunate because she was both a mother and a nurse).
I have a feeling I wrote about the suicidal dogs for a school project once and that would be a good primary source if only I could find it. But chances are it got weed on by rats in my mother’s garden shed and was thrown away by Sister 2 when she helped our mother move (which is a blessing because if my mother had got to them first she probably would have sent me the whole lot regardless of the piss.5 )
Update: OK, I did end up appealing to the family and got the following citation needed information. Grandad had a dog called Hitler who vanished on the first day of the war. I’m amazed by this news as I was always told Grandad, who I never met, was the Nice One. There was also a Dalmatian called Penny who served in the war(?) and when she returned from active duty(?) she would let anyone enter a room no problem, but if you tried to leave she would pin you against a wall. She either returned to whatever job she’d been doing or was put down for being weird, apparently.
So anyway, that’s that section of the email finished. I think we can all agree it was problematic. Let’s move on to the next bit swiftly.
Grave news
Trigger warning: story contains revolting description of 19th century murder
The sight of the pet cemetery also reminded me of something I’d been meaning to share, which is more recent (for me, at least) and therefore easier to verify (and, I’m happy to report, less racist6). When we were in the Isle of Sheppey (which I don’t recommend), we visited the ancient Minster Abbey (which I do actually recommend. If only a person could visit without going to Sheppey).
The church - The Abbey Church of the Blessed Virgin Mary and Saint Sexburgha was founded in 664AD and rebuilt in 12th century. It is so old you can feel the stones trying to tell you secrets.
And one of them actually did tell us a secret! Here is a photo of what has to be one of the gossipiest headstones I’ve ever seen. Talk about a TABLOID, am I right, fellow etymology nerds?!
The stone reads:
O Earth cover not my Blood
To the memory of a MAN, name unknown, who was found Murdered on the Morning of the 22nd of April 1814, near Scrap Gate in this Parish by his Head being nearly severed from his Body.
A Subscription was immediately entered into, and one hundred guineas reward offered on Conviction of the Perpetrators of this.
I tried googling this for further info and totally failed to find anything really good about what happened next. Please report back if you have more luck working out wtf happened to this poor fellow (aside from the obvious what with the head being off and everything). In the meantime, I call dibs on turning it into a historical crime fiction novel.
And now we segue neatly to my own crime fiction novel update…
What is going on with these books of yours, then?
Crime fiction: You’ll never guess what? Last Friday I finished the edits for the crime fiction (I’m not kidding) and sent to about 10 beta readers from this crime fiction group I’m in. Yesterday, the actual admin of that group sent me a lovely email with ONLY NICE feedback. I’m still waiting for the other readers to reply, but more news as I get it. I think some of you also offered to read it, but if you don’t mind I will wait until it’s fixed up pretty and then I’ll send you a free copy to review on launch. I will need all the launch juice I can get.
Comedy sci-fi: I ALSO finished my handwritten notes for the comedy sci-fi and I’m just inputting them and I’ll send out to any of you who already offered to read it. Alex edited it for me and took out a lot of jokes he considered too close to the bone. I put some of them back in because I’m reckless and also because he’s nicer than I am. When you read it, I will need some opinions on who is right.
Speaking of which, Al’s Kickstarter for Little Shop of Magic is fully funded, which means the book is definitely being published! However, if you know people who like children’s books (or ideally the people who rear them and hold the purse strings), please forward them the Kickstarter because if a few more people chip in, everyone gets STICKERS.
I love you and I take my leave of you. It’s time to do my chores in Stardew Valley and ignore the chores in my actual life.
K
but it’s also probably not healthy for a nation to suppress the collective sadness of losing so many young men to a war those young men didn’t start
No idea, sorry
One day I will write about the Anglo-Indians, who were a specific group and not just a word for mixed race people.
Sibling 5 gave me this name and admits her memory might have manufactured it from whole cloth, possibly inspired by Tricky Woo from All Creatures Great and Small.
And because I’m a chip off the old block, I’d probably have got out the rubber gloves and gone through it all.
I assume?
That Sheppey one is the coldest of cold cases but I’m sure Detective Lee can crack it. The family woman who turns into the no-nonsense analyst of people’s movements 900 years ago once she arrives at work. The interviews are a bit hard to schedule but none of the suspects can get away (what with being dead and all).
Hilarious!! A dog called Hitler made me laugh 😂