Let me tell you about my top secret pseudonymous book project

In which I attempt to self-publish a hugely successful novel under a pen name without telling anyone about it...

Don’t look at me, I’m shy. (Tittybangbang)

Here is my plan. I write a book as fast as I possibly can. Then I write another one straight after. I self-publish those books (writing another two more as I do) under a pen name. I tell no one, and yet my books become hugely successful. By the end of the year, I have written and published four books and am rolling around in all the money I have made from self-publishing.

Buoyed by my success, I am confident enough to reveal my true identity. I am invited to do readings in book shops, making the audience laugh just enough that I can kid myself I am actually a mildly successful standup comedian (but one who sits down and also gets to go to bed at a reasonable time and doesn’t need to be *that* funny; ie The Dream.)

Here is an update on how my plan is going: badly.

Over the course of three years, I have written two books* and published none. I have yet to complete any part of my plan.

So what went wrong?

Well…

Actually, you know what? I’m not going to go there. I started writing a huge long explanation, opening with a mea culpa about embarking on an artistic endeavour cynically (which I then retracted because wanting to earn a living is not a sin, even for artists, despite what people might believe), but I promised myself I could only do these newsletters if I kept it short – for all our sakes – and since I have no expectation that anyone is really interested in the ins and outs of every thought in my brain (especially me), I’m going to skip to the end.

The point is, before the end of this year I have to publish these two books.

Even if it means admitting the total failure of my plan from conception to delivery. Even if I die from the stress and embarrassment of putting myself out there. Even if it’s the worst thing I ever do. I have to get these babies out there into the world. I have to look back and say I tried.

And I have to tell people about it.

So, this is why, dear reader, I am telling you. Telling you feels like the same as telling no one, since I can pretend no one has seen this (this is not a reflection on you personally, it’s just that as I write this, you are just a faceless blur in my mind.) I just send it out into the ether and then act like it didn’t happen.

Of course, if lots of people see this and they all love me and everything I write, I will be delighted (since that will bring me a step closer to my early-evening-sit-down comedian ambition). But for now, I can just try to imagine the kindest, most supportive possible person has opened this (ie, not my mother) and they wish me well.

So, here is my new plan. I tell you about the books I’m currently editing. I share semi-regular updates about those books – what they will be called (help!), what my pseudonym should be (ideas?), why I’m writing under a pseudonym (or not?) why am I self-publishing, what the cover will look like, etc etc – and I hope some of you read these updates.

Even better, I hope some of you read the books when they come out.

If you are interested in joining me for this wild, text-based ride (no riding experience necessary), I would be extremely honoured. If not, I do genuinely understand. Life is short, time is money, emails are a blight, waffle is a bore. But please do unsubscribe; I will feel much happier knowing I’m only pestering people who want to be pestered.

Have they gone yet? Good! Now it’s just you and me. Welcome, blurry-faced benevolent reader!

And so, we come to our conclusion (for now). I have kept it reasonably (by my standards) short, and now I am sending it out into the ether. Please feel free to hit reply/comment, but only to say something nice. I want you to know that I felt sick the entire time I was composing this, and my hands will shake as I hit send.

Speak soon!

Katie

*Actually three and a bit, but the one and a bits are part of another plan.

Links that will now justify the time I spend online:

• If this Threads thread is to be believed, running away to join the circus is more common than you might imagine.

• Thomas Cromwell had himself photoshopped, Tudor-style, into a picture with Henry VIII.

• Here’s how to get AI to use AI to use AI to plan and write all your LinkedIn posts (and then use AI to turn it into a slide deck). If the lessons of inbreeding have taught us anything, it’s that this is FINE and not a problem AT ALL.

• Tor Freeman explains Wally Wood’s 22 Panels That Always Work (in comic books) and updates the illustrations in her own hilarious style.

• “We need to get the draft to Bob before he goes on holiday”. Fuck Bob. Bob is not sitting on a beach reading my script. A diatribe against the entirely fabricated “faux urgency” of the movie and TV industry. In my experience, these bullshit deadlines exist in the corporate world too.